If you were to visit my home you might notice that there are books everywhere – nestled in a basket on the lower shelf of the entry table, stacked high on my nightstand, and tucked snuggly in the little nook carved into a wall, which originally housed the home phone.
I love books! I love the feel of the covers. I love the clever titles. I especially love the little nuggets of wisdom you can find in just about any book.
One author whose books are filled with useful insights is Brené Brown. In her 2018 book Dare to Lead she shares a simple shift she made in how she engaged with her employees. Now, I know here at Unnesting we talk about our children-becoming-young-adults. This relates, I promise.
When Brené pivoted her focus from catching her employee’s mistakes to “catching them doing something right” she saw a significant and positive impact on productivity as well as employees’ reported job satisfaction. The idea is that most people are hard on themselves and to point out a person’s failings or shortcomings has the opposite of the desired effect. Rather than motiving, it leaves a person feeling frustrated and discouraged – neither of which result in positive outcomes in the workplace.
Or in the home – at least that seemed to me a logical conclusion.
How often have I focused on how my young-adult child is struggling? How often have I narrowed in on the areas where they need to grow, the bad habits they need to overcome, or good habits I’d like them to develop?
And doesn’t that reveal less about them and more about my faith, or lack thereof, in God’s ability to see through to completion the good work He began in them?
What if instead, I looked for opportunities to catch my kids doing something right? Perhaps, instead of zeroing in on the areas needing fixing, I could focus on where they were exhibiting growth and some level of mastery in the hard task of becoming a young adult.
So, I determined to put the idea into practice.
But it’s difficult to shift your focus from seeing the imperfections in a person to observing the imperfect-person becoming perfected by the One who created them.
Still, when the opportunity presented itself, I seized it.
I held my breath.
I bit my tongue.
And I looked for the thing to praise.
Our daughter, who had been home alone, had somehow managed to make a significant mess, damaging an appliance in the process. When we returned home all seemed well. But then she confessed that she had damaged one of the appliances. She added that she had done some research in what it would take to repair it and she had cleaned up the mess she’d created.
Let me just say that my first inclination was to lecture her. How could she have let the thing happen in the first place?
But then, I remembered that little nugget of wisdom in Brené Brown’s book. And I chose to focus on the thing our daughter had done right.
I told her that I was proud of her for immediately sharing what had happened, instead of waiting for us to figure out the appliance was broken and ask about it. I thanked her for considering how to remedy the situation. I told her I was proud of her for taking responsibility, that she’d shown a certain level of maturity in how she’d handled the situation.
And you know what? It felt really good to say those things to her.
It felt good to realize that those things were true of her. She had handled the situation responsibly. She had acted with maturity.
It felt good to be proud of her instead of worried about her ability to, eventually, live life as an independent adult.
And I could tell it felt good to her too.
So let me just say, I’m failing at this a lot more than I am succeeding. It really is hard to shift your focus after years of correcting children. But I’m working at it. I hope they can see that.
Maybe one day they’ll choose to “catch me doing something right” as I learn and grow into what it means to be the parent of young adult children.
Friend, may you find opportunities this week to catch your kids doing something right. May you see His fingerprints on the fabric of who they are becoming. And may you find joy in this hard, beautiful journey.
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Ephesians 4:32 ESV
Patty says
Dear wise Friend! Thank you Tiffiney, this came at JUST the right time for me. I so appreciate your blog and messages. Enjoy the Montana college exploration journey! This is something I’m dealing with on a daily basis- how to find that balance between holding our emerging young adult accountable to meeting (or respectfully working to renegotiate) their commitments and also catching what they are doing right! It is hard not to fall into fear that we as parents will fail to guide them in the right direction, when in actual fact we are not really the ones laying the plan!
Tiffiney Cowan says
Patty, thank you for sharing how this post encouraged you. That always brings me joy! Hugs and love to you, sweet friend, as you continue walking this journey. We’re all in process, aren’t we?